


Letting Go of the Past

by catchingthieves



Category: Daredevil (Comics), Marvel, Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, F/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 09:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18775543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catchingthieves/pseuds/catchingthieves
Summary: Matt finally lets her go.





	Letting Go of the Past

He spent far too much time in places like churches and cemeteries. Weddings, Mass, funerals. All of it too personal at times. He was beginning to wonder when it would be enough. When he could call it quits and never have to set foot in either place again. How many more people would have to die? How many more sins would he have to confess? And did that forgiveness- the forgiveness of God, himself, - mean anything at all? Was any of it forgivable? He hurt people on a daily basis. But he always tried to be so careful. To be precise and never make a single mistake, but that's a bit much to ask. He was only human, after all. There was only so much he could do when he was so disoriented... when he was focused on the wrong thing… when he wasn’t fast enough… And the people he loved always suffered. 

In a way, he had been ready to die. He would have accepted it with open arms. Karen deserved better… She left him because she did deserve better, and he believed she did with his whole being. So then why did she jump in front of that baton for him? Why did it have to be her instead of him? He was supposed to protect her. Karen was supposed to be alive. Not… He couldn’t even bring himself to think about it. She’d been gone for years, now. But sometimes when he roamed the Kitchen, he would catch a whiff of the old perfume she used to wear. Or remember the conversations they’d had so long ago when he walked into the office. The office her death helped buy- fuck. 

She was everywhere he turned. They say when people mourn, they catch glimpses of their loved one out and about. For him… he didn’t get that luxury. He got to feel her heart slowly stop beating- beat for the last time- while he held her… while he begged her to stay. He got to feel her body grow cold. He got to feel the way the blood coated the weapon he used so many times to keep Hell’s Kitchen safe. He’d never killed someone before, but somehow he knew it was his fault. It was simple. Karen should be alive. He shouldn’t. Karen had her life ahead of her. She had just gotten started somewhere new, where his past couldn’t hurt her. But it did. He had just quit his job because he was forced to keep from helping his best friend. He had nothing. But he kept living. It was like he couldn’t die. 

He always got back up. But why. Why did he continue to fight? Why did he keep people around to get hurt? There were times when he found himself unable to find the courage, but he always did in the end. He couldn’t seem to stop fighting. No matter who or what he lost, he always got back up. They say reality can hit you like a truck, but nothing does knock sense into you quite like an actual truck. He saved the kid, sure, but he thought he was going to die. So many people did. He was battling for his own life. Against memories, against time, against himself. 

He didn’t even realize it, but he was fighting for his life on the operation table all along… He saw the faces of so many people. All of them telling him to look. To see. Foggy… Elektra… Mike… even Stick… But in the end, it was Karen. He could have given up right then and there. He could have gone with her to whatever afterlife awaited him… But he couldn’t. He knew that if he stopped fighting… He finally understood why he kept getting back up. 

The world was filled with an everlasting darkness. An evil that never seemed to dissipate or be dispelled. And it was his job to- not to bring out a new light, for he thrived in the darkness- it was his job to keep it in check. To keep the darkness from becoming unmanageable and all encompassing. He protected the innocent from being swallowed by it. He wasn’t here to use a gentle or caring hand like others. He was here to punish the wicked for the things they did when they thought no one could see them. He wasn’t a hero. He wasn’t an angel... he was the devil. 


End file.
